The Great Story
by kbreggs
Summary: The story of Pammy Buchanan, the daughter of Tom and Daisy and how their lack of love for each other affects her viewpoint on life.


Chapter 1: Is it Love or is it Life?

How can one word, a word that by definition cannot be measured by any physical means be considered infinite or even powerful? How can the very thought of this word cause so much pain, so much sorrow and at the same time so much joy and happiness? It is what everyone strives to find, it's the ultimate goal. For most it comes naturally, for some it takes a great deal of effort to "find." Some people don't know they have it until it's too late and some are afraid of finding it. If you haven't guessed by now, the word is love. Love is the great puzzle that everyone is trying to figure out. It's so complicated that you truly cannot understand the meaning of it until you feel it. My name is Pammy Buchanan and if you would have asked me what my opinion on love was a year earlier; I would have said it was complete bullshit. I would have said that love was nonexistent. However I am about to tell you the story of how that all changed. First I'll tell you a little about how I got here.

Born in East Egg, Long Island the love I saw was never between two human beings. The love I witnessed was the love of wealth and power. It was a linear process you see, the more money you had, the more "love" you had. People lived their lives as if they performing in a play, the performance being who could hide their sorrows and unhappiness the best. Now clearly none of these people were good enough actors to be on Broadway but I'll tell you, they tried. They tried by throwing lavish parties and purchasing the most expensive things on the market to encage their unhappiness in. You may say I am a pessimist, or even cynical but if you grew up in a home where "love" could only be seen in the eyes of my father when he bought a new racing car, or with my mother, when she saw her closet full of beautiful clothing, you would feel the same way I did. My mother, a woman of many talents was always a fan of running away. She ran away from everything, pain, the truth and most of all love. Basically, if she thought something could potentially hurt her, she would already be running as fast as she could in the other direction. Don't get me wrong; my mother was a wonderful woman, a coward, but a wonderful woman. My father was a man who could take one look at you and tear you apart. If he couldn't do it physically, he could do it mentally, twisting your thoughts until they were no longer your own. He was a man who could give me the world, but wouldn't take the time to live in that world with me. This left me alone with just my thoughts for the majority of my life. As for me, I'm the girl that had everything but at the same time had nothing. This is the story of how a perpetual darkness was lifted…

Chapter 2: The Never Ending Storm

Clouds. That's what my life was full of when I was a growing up. It was as though when I opened my eyes in the morning, I never really opened them. There was a mist that not only hung over my eyes but hung over my mind and body. I don't know when this feeling of being trapped in this unbreakable bubble started but all I remember is that it was the darkest point in my life. I would sit there flailing my arms and legs trying to break this imaginary thing that I was encased in to the point of me gasping trying to find air. It's a feeling you can't describe to anyone else. My mother became so used to it that she would just sit in silence and watch as I tried to find my way back to reality. My father never understood who I was or why I was the way I was, but honestly, I neither did I. Looking back on that time in my life I still don't know who I was or why I felt the way I did, it just happened. That's the scariest part, not knowing why. I never blamed my parents for anything that happened to me however I do remember one specific day in which I resented them. We were sitting on the pier out by the lake and I remember looking at my parents and thinking to myself why aren't we happy? We have everything we could ever possibly want and we still aren't happy. I remember watching my mom take hold of my dad's hand in an attempt to seem as though she was actually there with us. As I watched this attempt to seem normal and happy all I saw was pure sadness and isolation. As this event happened the green light that was at the end of our pier went out. This green light was the only constant thing in my life. It flickered on and off all day long and all night long. And in that moment when it went out it truly felt as though I did not exist anymore. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and without thinking I jumped into the water. Having not thought of the consequences of this action until I was already five feet underwater I felt a rush I had never felt. Although I knew I couldn't swim I had never been so calm. The darkness of the water that surrounded me and the complete utter silence gave me complete serenity. At this moment I had absolutely no control of my life and yet I've never felt to powerful. It felt as though I was underwater for a lifetime before I finally saw my father's body figure lunging at me and pulling me from the depths of the lake. When we reached the surface my mother was running around in a panic, her arms flailing and everything. The only words out of her mouth were "WHY? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?" Of course making everything about her.

Chapter 3: The Beginning of the End

The picture I have painted for you so far is one of a sad, lonely girl that was clearly very troubled. Her life was filled with disappointment and sorrow. However it would be unfair to say that I never had good days. One day in particular is one that I will never forget. This is where our story really begins. The date was July 14th 1934, that day happened to be the hottest day in Long Island history. We were sitting around the pool of the Empire Hotel with my all of the cities top people. It was so hot that if you weren't dripping wet with sweat then you were dead. To my right my mother was viciously gossiping with Martha Reynolds and Sally McAdams about the latest person to go bankrupt. To my left were my father and Marcus Reynolds and William McAdams and they were talking politics as usual. As for me, I sat at the edge of the pool contently reading The Sun Also Rises trying to keep myself from passing out from heat stroke. I was just about to get to the best part of the book when Walter Lenning a boy that had lived down the street from me my whole life swam up next to me with a huge grin on his face. Walter and I had never been friends, not even acquaintances so this incident was surprising to say the least. Walter was the type of person who everyone knew was going to be successful when he was older. He was the only child of one of the wealthiest couples in all of Long Island. You never saw Walter without a smile on his face or pep in his step. After looking up and seeing who sat next to me I looked back to my book and returned to reading. A minute or so passed and I could feel his eyes looking at me and the grin on his face so I looked up again and asked, "can I help you?." A surprised look came across his face but it immediately turned back to that happy smile that is permanently plastered across his mouth.

"Hi! You're Pammy Buchanan. You live next to me down in East Egg!" Walter said as though I didn't already know all of those ideas to be true.

"Yeah that's me. Thanks for informing me of my life" I said with a snooty tone expecting him to leave.

However that wasn't the case. He didn't even seem flustered; my rudeness didn't even faze him.

"What are you reading there?" He points to my book.

"The Sun Also Rises"

"Oh! I've read that, it's one of my favorites. How do you like it so far?"

"No offense but what are you doing?"

"What do you mean? I'm just trying to have a conversation with you."

"But why…?" I say with skepticism.

"Geez Pammy you seemed lonely and I wanted to come talk to you, is that so hard to believe?" He said with a tiny bit of frustration in his voice.

His answer took me by surprise, just like this whole situation and left me without words. There was an awkward silence for a couple of seconds and I expected him to just leave and so we can forget about this whole situation but that wasn't the case.

"Well this is not the way I wanted this to go."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over tonight, I'm having some people over and I'd love for you to join."

"This has to be a joke." I said with complete confusion.

"A joke? Pammy, why do you have to be like this? I came over here to ask you to come over to my house and have some fun with some of my friends and I."

At this point I was still speechless and confused. This was obviously not the conversation he had wanted to have, nor the conversation that I had wanted.

"How about this, I'll leave you with the invitation to come and you can do what you want with it. But Pammy, I really do mean it when I say that I hope you come."

With that last word he smiled and seamlessly hoped back into the pool and started swimming away. I was so rattled by the whole situation that when I finally came back to reality I knocked my book into the water. In a frantic motion I swooped the now drenched book into my hands and scurried off the pool deck into the lobby of the hotel. Upset with myself for ruining my only copy of my book and still very confused as to what just happened with Walter I paced the corridor. I remember walking up and down the hallways of the hotel trying to process the situation that had just unfolded and being finally being called by my father to tell me the car was leaving to go back home.

Chapter 4: The Consequences

That night I sat in my room with a mixture of thoughts going through my brain. The main question flowing in between my ears was why? Why did Walter, a boy that I have seen on his sailboat every summer for the past 12 years have this sudden interest in me? He must want something from me is all that I could come up with or he's pulling a prank because someone bet him. Either way it was bad news. Of course as you can guess I stayed home that night and watched the tide rise thinking about life. Although I knew my encounter with Walter meant nothing I could help but think about the possibility of being in a relationship. Not necessarily in a relationship with Walter but just a relationship in general. I had never known what a real relationship looked or felt like. I like to think my "relationship" with my parents was real however the reality of it is that it wasn't. The only real thing about it was that I was stuck with them till I married someone and that very real fact frightened me. The problem is, is that I hate being lonely but I hate the idea of being with someone. There's something about it that scares the crap out of me. The only thing I have known my whole life is being alone. The idea of being alone never really bothered me it was the fact that everyone else around me wasn't alone. Even though the relationships that I was surrounded by weren't real and genuine I was still envious of them. At the time I would have done anything for a fake relationship than be alone. Being alone is fine until you see what life could be like through the eyes of someone else.

This feeling of loneliness and helplessness eventually turned into an overpowering feeling. This was a common thing for me. I would feel emotions so deep to my core that I wouldn't be able to function. It was as though with every breath I took I didn't take in oxygen I only took in sadness. It was like my body was fueled by extreme emotions. I could go a period of time without having an immense feeling of desolation but like clockwork I would go back to this place where it felt like life was crushing me and simultaneously pushing me away from reality.

This time I was like this for a couple of days and when I finally came out of it I felt

the needed to take a walk. Once I reached the end of our land I got to the road and decided to walk past Walters house. I remember I was wearing a pink dress that flowed every time it picked up the smallest amount of wind. I remember this dress because whenever I got out of one of my "low days" as my mother would call them I would put this dress on to over compensate for the complete lack of happiness I had felt days prior. After ten minutes of walking I finally reached the edge of the Lenning's estate and saw someone walking around the exterior of the gate. Thinking it was just a grounds keeper I thought nothing of this and carried on with my walk. Seconds later the figure dressed in khaki pants and a bright blue shirt came darting at me. Once he was a little bit closer I could make out that smile that Walter Lenning was so known for.

"Pammy!" Walter said through his huge grin that was spread across his face.

I stopped so he could catch up to me even though that's the last thing I wanted.

"What happened to you the other night? I was really disappointed you never came."

"I don't know I didn't think it was the right thing to do."

"What do you mean the right thing to do?"

"I don't know Walter, why do you even care?" I said with a hint of sassiness in my voice.

"Pammy, I don't know what I did to make you feel this hostility towards me but I intend to fix it."

"There's no hostility, just confusion."

"Well maybe I can clear any confusion up and take you sailing?" He said with all the confidence in the world.

"No it's okay, I think I'll just finish my walk but thanks for the offer."

"Oh come on Pammy just a quick sail boat ride, it'll be fun and I promise you I won't get you wet. Especially with how beautiful you look in that pink dress." He said as he eyed me up from head to toe.

I hesitated and thought about the pros and cons to going sailing with Walter Lenning. At the moment I couldn't think of any reasons I shouldn't go with him.

"Fine, just as long as I'm back before dinner so my parents don't worry."

"Perfect!" Walter exclaimed and grabbed my hand and we headed towards his home.

The whole time we were walking he had a smile spread across his face. I've of course always noticed his smile but never noticed how genuine it was. It was the kind of smile that could make your day as soon as you saw it. It made me wonder if I saw Walter when I was feel low if he could change my attitude.

Chapter 5: The Never Ending Story

The boat ride was surprisingly wonderful. We ended up talking for hours, just the two of us floating on the water. It brought to light just how different our worlds really were. He would tell stories about how he would go to lavish parties with his parents and meet people from all around the world. One surprising thing he said was that although it may have looked like he was comfortable in these situations it was the exact opposite. He said it was like he flipped a switch and no one could tell how nervous and uncomfortable he felt when meeting these new people. This of course shocked me because I have always known Walter as the "Go Getter," the type of person who feared nothing and no one. The stories I shared were obviously less exciting and I was embarrassed to share them. I told him things I couldn't normally talk about with my parents. Things that I wouldn't be able to talk about with anyone else because I just couldn't find the words to describe my feelings. He had a sense of tranquility to him that seemed to rub off on me.


End file.
